A brother has sent these diary extracts through to me, of a time when he particularly felt God’s calling on his life. They remind me a little of Brainerd’s journal or of something by Moody, and I find them very encouraging. On a daily basis, we need to rediscover our relationship with the Lord and our sense of sin, and of His glorious forgiveness.
16th Dec 99 My heart felt very soft all day. I went for a walk in the woods this morning just before I got to my first job. I felt very child-like today. As if there was an innocence becoming more and more apparent in my life. I like being like this. I want to be innocent about my knowledge of sinful things like it says in Romans Ch16v19
17th Dec 99 I was reading my Bible this morning. I was reading the part where Joseph revealed his true identity to his brothers. It made me weep uncontrollably. As I was starting to cry I had a picture in my mind of God (represented as a man) jumping up and down with excitement because I was beginning to cry about the story. It was as if he was glad that my heart is getting softer. My heart felt very soft and I realised that the Lord is joyful when we weep before Him. I took a patient over to Brighton to a hospital. On the way back the words of a song came to me and I sung it in my head. They were from a song called, By The Blood Of The Lamb. When I got to the part where it said ‘Oh the blood shed at Calvary, Oh the blood spilled for me,’ I began to cry while this hospital patient was sitting next to me. I made sure that she couldn’t see me cry and had to stop singing. Tonight I went out for a drive again. I was listening to a tape about a revival in Scotland. When I came in I thought that what this community needs is a revival. I then began weeping uncontrollably as I thought about the poor people of this town. And the poor Christians who don’t know about repentance and what it can do for them. I knelt by my bed and asked God if he will send a revival here.
12th Jan 2000 I was coming home from work this evening. I thought about whether I should cut through the village to the place where I go to be with the Lord. I asked the Lord but I wasn’t sure what I should do. I drove home. I was eating my meal when I had a strong feeling that if I went back to the place where I normally go then God would be there as He wanted to meet with me. As I was approaching the place I was enthusiastic and I asked God if He would let me see the Lord. I parked my car where I usually go and I wasn’t sure what to do. I saw my Bible there and just opened it anywhere. My eyes immediately fell on the words “Feed my sheep” and the Spirit spoke it into me also. (It’s from John Ch21v17.) I was shocked and looked down and felt humbled. And I began to cry. I wanted to look at the Bible again and when I looked, my eyes fell on the words “Take care of my sheep”. And the Spirit again spoke it into me. I cried for a while and then got out of the car. It was dark and I walked down the road for a while. I knew that the Lord was calling me.
15th Jan 2000 I went out into the countryside and had a wonderful time alone with the Lord. On the way back I thought how I would be prepared to die if it would make other people see Jesus. I thought about making a board with words on to that effect and standing on the grass verge as people come into the town so they could see it. Then that thought and the zeal to do it overtook my thinking. I lost sight of the Lord and lost his peace. When I realised what I had done I was so sorry. That evening I drove up towards the windmill. I got out of the car to walk up there, and it was dark. I had no torch so had to rely on the moonlight to see. I was a bit nervous as I didn’t know who would be up there. Just as I started the Lord spoke to me telling me that if I didn’t want to go then I didn’t have to. I stopped walking and said, “But I want to go and be with you.” I carried on all the way up there which was about two thirds of a mile.
When I got up there I thought, “I wonder what the Lord wants me to do now that I’m here”. When I asked this He brought back to my memory what I had said down at the bottom, about going there to be spend time with Him. I knelt down on the grass and spent time praying to the one who my soul loves. He was so precious and real when I was up there.
That night in bed I had a vision of some birds in a field. It was tied in with people realising that they can repent. I told one person who then found that they really could walk in true repentance. That caused them to fly and as they told the message to other people it caused a few more birds to be able to fly. Then those people told the message to others and then more and more flew away.
16th Jan 2000 I went to a prayer meeting before the normal morning service. I really wanted to pray and I felt that God wanted me to ask Him to grant us repentance so we could receive more of His spirit. I was a bit frustrated because people kept praying before me. I thought, I am going to have to stop coming here each week because I am so afraid to speak out loud that it is killing me inside. Then surprisingly there was a long gap in between other peoples’ prayers (the first time I have known it to happen). At last I got started and asked the Lord for repentance to come into the church. A great sorrow came upon me that the church is not repenting and it caused me to break and feel shattered. I began weeping and fell against a stack of chairs. The Lord gave me more things to pray and as I did I was overcome with sorrow and anguish. I was crying loud. I stopped and had to sit on the floor. Throughout the rest of the day I was overcome and weak with sorrow. I went to church in the evening and that was a wonderful service.